I miss you

You always seem to come to mind late at night. Always once the world is asleep and I'm left alone to think. I don't mind thinking of you, it just hurts sometimes. Its jolting to think how young I was when you went away, the emptiness in my chest feels so deep. I wonder what you'd be like today, seeing as you were so young yourself. Would you still be the same sarcastic person? Would you still love to play guitar, and wear your hair shaggy, and refuse to go anywhere clean-shaven? I wonder if you'd still be friends with Brandon...if Brandon would have still signed up and been sent over there, to that land of sand and rock, that sucked the joy and eventually the life out of him. Would you still care about me? Or would we have drifted apart the way childhood friends always do? As it was, we didn't see each other often. You never met my friends from school. That move your mom made...but all of that doesn't change much in the end.

I wonder sometimes, if I'm the way I am because of you. Because I loved you so much. Your heart, and your sarcasm, and your wit. I wonder if you brought the beginnings of that out of me. I can't remember your birthday anymore. I can't remember if you'd be 27 or 28 now. I can't even imagine your face anymore. That kind of thing scares me. I can remember your hair sometimes...if I don't end up blending your shaggy blond waves with Brandon's dark curls. But your face is so faded, I can't bring out the details. I can't remember if your eyes were green or blue. I can't remember if you had any scars. I can't even remember your middle name. I feel like you're fading out of my mind like a dream, and one day I'll wake up, and never think of you again.

I wish you could be here now. I wish you could meet my friends, and I could call on shitty days. I wish I could've watched you get married. Back then I don't really think I grasped what I was going to miss out on. You know, when I was little, I imagined you walking me down the aisle? I thought of that tonight. Of how the three men I ever imagined on that aisle are gone now.

There's this belief that time heals all wounds, but you won't forget someone that important to you. And its so untrue. I can feel memories fading away. Its gradual, and sometimes I don't realize that I'm losing something until I try to picture it. I feel guilty sometimes, when I realize how long its been since I thought of you. But then again, its life. Thinking of you every day would be painful. I wish that I at least had your family. But your brother has been gone for longer than you have...and Missy....man she got everything from your mother. God. I don't remember if your mother was even alive when I stopped checking in. But after Missy, there wasn't much point. Your mom wasn't a huge fan of anyone you knew. Not really sure why though.

In any case...this whole thing is just a long ass way of saying I miss you. Because really man, I do. Every day, even if I don't think of you. And for all I know, we woulda parted ways soon and never spoken again. But as it stands, you were torn from me way too early, and I want that time back. I hope you're happy and at peace wherever you are. You deserve it.