Rape

You can tell this is gunna be a happy post just from the title can't you? I know, I'm a bundle of joy.

I read a poem today about rape, and while the poem was very well done, the girl painted a bit too dark a picture and I wanted to vent. Since she has not been raped, and the poem was meant for righteous, kind reasons, I did not want to vent at her. Especially seeing as she has hundreds of comments already running the gamut from worshiping to deriding her. So thats what I have a blog for right?

Rape is one of those words that destroys a conversations pleasant tone. There is no lighthearted way to discuss it, and you are sure to shuffle your feet and stare at your hands as you try to construct a decent response to anything said. But, and this will sound bad, its not the end of the world. Its life changing, and incredibly destructive, but you can survive, and thrive.

I feel so disheartened to hear about families who treat the victim as if she were made of glass. I understand that you have no idea what to do, and its terrifying. I do. But to treat her as if she is fundamentally tainted or damaged can't possibly do anything to build her strength. As a survivor of sexual abuse, I can say that the years afterwards, when my mother coddled me, made me feel as if I was less of a person because of it. I don't hold it against her. I was her baby, and she was trying her best to keep me from any more pain. But I improved exponentially when she began to treat me as if nothing had happened again. We talked about it, and she was there for me, and protected me, but it was no longer a black cloud over our heads every day.

The writer ended her poem by saying that the victim would never have her prince charming, her wonderful life, her home, her kids, all the things she had dreamed of. She said her mother had forever lost her daughter, and her friends would never be able to be there for her. She would never have a boyfriend again.

I have a wonderful boyfriend, who loves me more than the sun and the stars. We may fight like any other couple, but I never doubt that I am one of the most important things in his life. And I love him more than words can express. He's one of the best things to ever happen to me, and I have NEVER looked at him and seen even a glimmer of the horror of my past. (I did not have a wonderful boyfriend. I had an abusive one. But its over, and its good that its over, and he doesn't matter anymore. He and I not working, and his removal from my life have no impact on the point I'm making.) I have amazing friends, that I love with all my heart. They could break me in an instant, they're so vital and close to me. But I entrust them with everything about my life, and make sure they know I will be there for them through anything they need. My mother did not lose her little girl. I may have had rough patches, but I had the support and love of an entire network of wonderful people. I've known several people from similar backgrounds to mine, and they've survived because of those same support systems.

I'm not saying that there aren't girls who never come back from something like rape. I'm not saying that it isn't hard. But its NOT your whole life. And the friends, family, and loved ones need to be there. Don't LET them pull away, don't let them close themselves off. It will be hard and it will take time, but this doesn't have to define you. The person who did that, that asshole who tried to degrade you and tear you down, does not deserve the power, the satisfaction of getting what he wants. You're better than that, and he knows it. Thats why he does it. He hates you, your strength, your beauty, your heart. He seeks to steal from you everything he doesn't have himself. DO NOT LET HIM. Shove in his face how weak he is, and cement your victory by growing into a beautiful, vibrant person.

A comment on the post said that the only ones who live happy lives, are the ones who close themselves off from everything. This is no true, and no one should ever allow themselves to go this far down. There will always be people who love and cherish you, no matter whats happened. Hold onto them, they won't fail you.

Disclaimer: I'm also not saying this doesn't happen to men or that rape is only committed by men. But as a female, its automatically easier in my head to empathize and speak about women, coming from that mindset. And having been abused by a male, that is also how I picture it. Both sexes are perfectly capable of being abusers/the abused. I just didn't want to spend an entire entry saying 'he/she' or 'him/her' as if this were legal paperwork.

Sorry about the downer entry on New Years Eve. Have a beautiful night.


<3
Panda Out

December 3, 2010

I love the new Linken Park album. But I can understand why some people hate it.

Its been a while since I really listened to music. I love music, and its always on. But, like most folks, I don't really sit and try to experience it. I just let it play in the background, the OST of my life. However, Linken Park's last album, Minutes to Midnight, was a thoughtful, amazing cd, and I wanted to see what they'd say with this one.

I downloaded A Thousand Suns, and let it play behind WoW as I played. I was torn on whether or not I liked it. It seemed to jump tracks like a derailing train, moving swiftly from driving bass to quiet, melancholy-laced ballads. I discussed it with a friend, and found myself defending it, but I'm pretty sure that was from a sense of loyalty to the band. I've been a fan of Linken Park since the beginning. But, as it turns out, I was simply listening to it wrong.

Yes, you can listen to a cd wrong....okay, maybe not Kanye, or Ke$ha, or Katy Perry, etc.

This CD is meant to move from song 1 to song 15 in order. Each song is like a note in an ever rising crescendo. And its meant to be paid attention to. I sat today, sound up in my headphones, and just listened. The thing brought me to tears. The chilling snippet of an interview with J. Robert Oppenheimer, father of the atomic bomb, was seen as filler by a critic. In reality, it set the tone for a dark series of songs that mirrored our violent nuclear past. The impassioned 'filler' pieces later on, by Mario Savio and Martin Luther King Jr., played like the desperate attempts of a man to stop a tidal wave. There are, in some songs, thumping beats that in the silence, sound like a terrified heartbeat. This is not a quiet, subtle attempt to comment on our society. Its a blatant condemnation of what we've done to each other; how we've corrupted science for our selfish, violent ends.

By the time I reached the song, Wisdom, Justice, and Love , I'd been rubbed raw by the emotion of the previous songs. King's words struck me, and brought tears to my eyes, as relevant now as they were then:

"A true revolution of values will lay hand on the world order and say of war, "This way of settling differences is not just." This business of burning human beings with napalm, of filling our nation's homes with orphans and widows, of injecting poisonous drugs of hate into the veins of peoples normally humane, of sending men home from dark and bloody battlefields physically handicapped and psychologically deranged, cannot be reconciled with wisdom, justice, and love."

The quiet song that follows this excerpt mirrors its sadness, and feels like the hopelessness that would follow war, famine, or the mass devastation of a nuclear attack.

The cd wraps itself with an enraged, betrayed tone, coming full circle. Its a beautiful piece of work, and I'm not sure if anything short of classical music has moved me more.

As I said, I understand why some people hate it. Its not old school Linken Park. Its not a carefree album, that can be enjoyed at leisure, and its not an upbeat cd to throw in at a party. It has a way of bringing a dark feeling to the room, even if you aren't listening closely. The emotion is written right into the notes.

I love this album because its the work of artists. Not simply musicians and performers, but conscious artists, who see an album as a painting, or a story to be told. It goes against the grain of popular rock music today, but the band are unapologetic in their presentation. Even if I hadn't enjoyed the music so much, I'd have had to respect them for the vision. But, in the end, it made me cry. And, with the exception of songs that remind me of lost loved ones, music hasn't made me cry since I was a five year old girl watching Fantasia for the first time.

Bravo, guys.

I'm Out.

That last entry sat on my desktop for three hours, and took a guild convo for me to realize I hadn't published it. Congrats to me for having a re re moment!

Speaking of guilds, and by association WoW, this Shattering shit is awesomesauce. I usually hate starting new toons because the low level quests are ghey.....but this is the most fun I've had in a while. I have a spanking new 80 and I can't tear myself away from my new Druid and Pally.

My Pally's day in Azshara went something like this:

-Sign on

-Ride the rocket, screaming WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE to irritate locals.

-Disembark from rocket wonderland, go visit Subject Four, the Radar Dish sporting raptor that I have a love hate relationship with (I love it, it hates me)

-Hunt down Subject Nine (the less cool radar dish raptor), and agree to help him find some baby raptors.

-Transport baby raptors back to S9, by allowing them to cling to/gnaw on me for entire return trip (FUCK LEASHES, WE GO HARD)

-Try to give rock giant a laxative, cause greedy goblins want their glittery poo.

-This plan fails, so super smart goblins shrink me. I ride a rat in an epic attempt to scare giant. (WTF, is he Dumbo?)

-Pretty predictably, he stomps me instead of pooping. Dunno why they thought he'd do that anyway.

-Goblins give up, send me to island. Dude on island sends me to murloc.

-Murloc sends me to attack shit with a sponge. Hilariously, this works quite well.

-Murloc sends me to talk to folks. I ride a turtle. Hilarity ensues.

-Stupid folks give me a witches hat. I look ghey. Disguise somehow works, am given new jobs!

-I, the cow, go into epic (misunderstood) battle with a rock giant named Balboa (get it? Rocky?). I fail. Epicly.

Thats about where I am now. Fun shit. Go Azshara.

Panda Out.

Dear Apple,

FUCK YOU.

Seriously Steve Jobs. Really? Its not enough you're rich as shit, you've gotta put out shitty updates that FUCK UP MY PHONE?!

I hate how reliant I am on my phone to begin with. But it wasn't clear just how much of a strangehold you had on my imagined balls until my phone crashed after your little update today. I realized, I cannot talk to my friend in Japan, play WoW, get a hold of my mother, find a number, or kill vast quantities of time while its down. I use my phone for easy picture taking to....so there's that. For TEN HOURS, I reformated, restored, and redid my damn phone trying to fix issues. Finally, it decided it'd give me everything but the 50 fucking apps I had. So I got to spend about 45 minutes digging them all up and redownloading. Thanks douchebags.

So, in conclusion, if you didn't have apps I'd miss terribly, I'd fucking stab you and buy a droid....then end.